Uncle Empire

This Week's Edition: Letting Him Know

Dear Desperately Single,
It was a weird weekend. A guy tried to come on to me, and I am a guy. How do I let dudes know that I am not into that without being rude?
Sincerely,
Anthony S., Greenpoint, NY

Dear Anthony,
Who do you think you are? This guy bears his heart to you, possibly while softly tickling your arm, and all you can think about is your own feelings. Poor you, you selfish, selfish beast! Over this "weird weekend," as you put it, this friend risked rejection, social ostracism, embarrassment, and, if your town is anything like mine, possible battery peltings. And yet, here you are, cocky as the day you were born, pretending not to be interested in another man. There are no two ways about it, Anthony, rejection is always rude. Trust me, I know. Oh, dear God, do I know.

I've tried coming out of the closet, and it's not easy. Most of your friends probably won't believe that you play for the other team. Maybe your roommate Lisa will tell you that you're just cripplingly lonely and will do anything for human affection of any kind, even if it means walking around a pet store dressed up as a cocker spaniel and chasing tennis balls for anyone who wants to play. Well, you can tell Lisa that loneliness is the first symptom of homosexuality -- and I read that in a book.

People are people, and you shouldn't limit finding a soul mate to half the population. But despite all this, I like you Anthony. A lot. What are you doing this weekend? I think you should come over to my apartment. I promise things won't get weird. (Unless you want them to.)