Uncle Empire

This Week's Edition: More Than Just Friends

Dear Desperately Single,
I have a friend and I'd like to see if there is potential to be more than friends. I don't want to make any sudden movements and mess up our friendship, but I also don't want to wait around and do nothing. What should I do?
-Lana, LES

Dear Lana,
This happens to me all the time. Whatever you do, do not take it slow. Rush in and lay it all on the line, hoping to catch him off guard and force this friend into an odd, romantic encounter before he's prepared to tell you no. If this doesn't work, then you should try and make him jealous by going after one or all of his friends. Jealousy is the key to true love, and true love is the key to seduction (which is the key to feeling good about myself for a fleeting moment in this cruel, cold world.)

Two months ago, I was auditing a cooking elective at the high school. In between garlic knots, I met the captain of the JV tennis team and, in thirty seconds, we were best friends. After ten minutes of friendship, I invited him to the locker room to watch while three gym teachers went wild, pegging my bare rump with dodgeballs. But Jason was not initially smitten. I intend to let him know how I really feel this weekend at the junior prom. I have a feeling that, after I climb through the science lab window, "All My Life" by K-Ci and JoJo will come on, and just like in the movies, we'll meet in the middle of the dance floor. I'll let my extensions down and we'll start grinding. And then we will be together forever, living happily in a mansion filled with tons of really cool stuff.