Uncle Empire

This Week's Edition: Mom is Getting in the Way

Dear Desperately Single,
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our one year anniversary, and I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. The only problem is that my mom doesn't like him. She thinks he'll leave me and wants me to break it off before I get hurt. I don't want to break up but I also don't want to disappoint my mom. What's a girl to do?
- Iris, Charlotte, N.C.

Dear Iris,
Whatever you do, do not break up. It sounds like you've been together for a while now, which means this guy either hasn't discovered your creepy, socially alienating anxieties, or he's OK with it. In either case, you've pulled the wool over his eyes and you better ride this puppy until your hips unhinge or the restraining order is notarized. As for your mom, how horribly typical.

One time, my mom stood in between me and my lover, and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her. His name was Rick; he was a personal trainer. I would wait outside the studio window at my gym while Rick lead Spinning class. It was totally intimate, just me, him, and the tramps in the class that he ignored. The glass was tinted, so I don't think he ever actually saw me, but I know he knew I was there from the way he would look in my general direction. Eventually we stopped seeing each other, when I couldn't afford to renew my membership and my mom refused to loan me money.

Your mom doesn't know what it's like for a gal on the singles scene these days. Back in her times, all she had to do was bake a plate of hot chocolate chip cookies for the boy down the block and then he would take her to the tree house to play Doctor. Nowadays, you can wait for hours in a tree house before anyone notices, and then it's usually the cops.

If you think you'll disappoint your mom now, just wait till it's been six years from your last date and she finds you, drunk and naked, in the vestibule of her condo building begging for $49 dollars a month. Trust me, she'll never look at you the same way again, even when she finally gives you the money.