By Joel Dovev
First off, as my landlord, I want to say that you are a very, very sweet old woman and I can tell you always mean well. I don't mind that the only words you speak in English are "nice day" and your son's name, "Thomas." I think it's cute, and you always have a huge smile on your face. With that said, there are a few things I would like to address.
First off, there's a little game you play every night at exactly 11:15 p.m. Now I am not sure what the official title of this game is but I have started to call it "Furniture Tetris." Considering the fact that your living room is directly above our bedroom, I have often feared that your three-ton grand piano, which you apparently own, will fall directly on my wife and me as we are watching the bonus features of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Now you keep a very clean apartment building, and I give kudos to you for that. But the eerie children's shoe, that could easily be one-hundred years old, you use as a makeshift door stopper in the laundry room is just the creepiest fucking thing in the world. Seriously, I imagine that that child was horribly maimed in a washing machine accident and haunts our building late at night, coughing up phlegm. Oh wait, that's just you. Now once is OK. Twice is still fine. But after an hour and a half of you hocking loogies, I want to shave my head and put it in an elephant's ass—as they are very quiet creatures and I imagine their rectal cavities follow suit.
However, you are a slave to consistency, and I can always count on the fact that, when I am literally about to fall asleep, you and your son will get into the loudest argument possible.
Every time.
Without fail.
I like to call it the "Rumble in the Jungle." And by "Jungle," I mean the hallway. And by "Rumble," I mean yell at each other in Cantonese.
Still, I would like to humbly thank you for over charging our rent and not letting us park in the completely empty, totally unused, three-car garage.
Sincerely,
Joel D., Apt. 1
P.S. I know my wife has long hair, and ironically so do you, but you don't need to point it out every time we see one another. Just FYI.
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