This Week's Edition: Mom is Getting in the Way
Dear Desperately Single,
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our one year anniversary, and I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. The only problem is that my mom doesn't like him. She thinks he'll leave me and wants me to break it off before I get hurt. I don't want to break up but I also don't want to disappoint my mom. What's a girl to do?
- Iris, Charlotte, N.C.
Dear Iris,
Whatever you do, do not break up. It sounds like you've been together for a while now, which means this guy either hasn't discovered your creepy, socially alienating anxieties, or he's OK with it. In either case, you've pulled the wool over his eyes and you better ride this puppy until your hips unhinge or the restraining order is notarized. As for your mom, how horribly typical.
One time, my mom stood in between me and my lover, and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her. His name was Rick; he was a personal trainer. I would wait outside the studio window at my gym while Rick lead Spinning class. It was totally intimate, just me, him, and the tramps in the class that he ignored. The glass was tinted, so I don't think he ever actually saw me, but I know he knew I was there from the way he would look in my general direction. Eventually we stopped seeing each other, when I couldn't afford to renew my membership and my mom refused to loan me money.
Your mom doesn't know what it's like for a gal on the singles scene these days. Back in her times, all she had to do was bake a plate of hot chocolate chip cookies for the boy down the block and then he would take her to the tree house to play Doctor. Nowadays, you can wait for hours in a tree house before anyone notices, and then it's usually the cops.
If you think you'll disappoint your mom now, just wait till it's been six years from your last date and she finds you, drunk and naked, in the vestibule of her condo building begging for $49 dollars a month. Trust me, she'll never look at you the same way again, even when she finally gives you the money.
This Week's Edition: More Than Just Friends
Dear Desperately Single,
I have a friend and I'd like to see if there is potential to be more than friends. I don't want to make any sudden movements and mess up our friendship, but I also don't want to wait around and do nothing. What should I do?
-Lana, LES
Dear Lana,
This happens to me all the time. Whatever you do, do not take it slow. Rush in and lay it all on the line, hoping to catch him off guard and force this friend into an odd, romantic encounter before he's prepared to tell you no. If this doesn't work, then you should try and make him jealous by going after one or all of his friends. Jealousy is the key to true love, and true love is the key to seduction (which is the key to feeling good about myself for a fleeting moment in this cruel, cold world.)
Two months ago, I was auditing a cooking elective at the high school. In between garlic knots, I met the captain of the JV tennis team and, in thirty seconds, we were best friends. After ten minutes of friendship, I invited him to the locker room to watch while three gym teachers went wild, pegging my bare rump with dodgeballs. But Jason was not initially smitten. I intend to let him know how I really feel this weekend at the junior prom. I have a feeling that, after I climb through the science lab window, "All My Life" by K-Ci and JoJo will come on, and just like in the movies, we'll meet in the middle of the dance floor. I'll let my extensions down and we'll start grinding. And then we will be together forever, living happily in a mansion filled with tons of really cool stuff.
This Week's Edition: Letting Him Know
Dear Desperately Single,
It was a weird weekend. A guy tried to come on to me, and I am a guy. How do I let dudes know that I am not into that without being rude?
Sincerely,
Anthony S., Greenpoint, NY
Dear Anthony,
Who do you think you are? This guy bears his heart to you, possibly while softly tickling your arm, and all you can think about is your own feelings. Poor you, you selfish, selfish beast! Over this "weird weekend," as you put it, this friend risked rejection, social ostracism, embarrassment, and, if your town is anything like mine, possible battery peltings. And yet, here you are, cocky as the day you were born, pretending not to be interested in another man. There are no two ways about it, Anthony, rejection is always rude. Trust me, I know. Oh, dear God, do I know.
I've tried coming out of the closet, and it's not easy. Most of your friends probably won't believe that you play for the other team. Maybe your roommate Lisa will tell you that you're just cripplingly lonely and will do anything for human affection of any kind, even if it means walking around a pet store dressed up as a cocker spaniel and chasing tennis balls for anyone who wants to play. Well, you can tell Lisa that loneliness is the first symptom of homosexuality -- and I read that in a book.
People are people, and you shouldn't limit finding a soul mate to half the population. But despite all this, I like you Anthony. A lot. What are you doing this weekend? I think you should come over to my apartment. I promise things won't get weird. (Unless you want them to.)
I met a guy at the bar and he seemed pretty nice, but when we ran into some of his friends they all started yelling about some sports game. It was a huge turn off. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and return his call anyway?
-Annie
Everybody yells, please don’t judge him. Last night, I was sitting in my apartment, keeping my couch company, when I decided to start yelling. Fortunately, someone called the police. Thirty minutes later, I was losing my voice and scratching at the TV when an officer knocked on my door. He tried to get frisky with some handcuffs, too, but he left before I could get my bra undone. What’s with men these days?
Point is, you should definitely call him back; this guy is probably the one -- and even if he isn’t, at least he’s somebody. You mentioned he has friends, judging from that he is probably nice and sweet and understanding and kind – even if he drinks, yells at dartboards, and sometimes lashes out in violent fits. Trust me, you don’t want to spend your life alone, half naked, not knowing what to wear, and pleading with a 911 operator to patch you through to a handsome policeman who left before you got his name. You’re not as young as you think you are. Call that man. Call him tonight.